Suspense Draft

Introduction:

This is the rough draft of my suspense piece.  I think this is a very raw version of the story, and it has a lot to improve on, including suspense, character development, and description. I want to make it more suspenseful, so that when the end comes, it will be a lot crazier and people won’t expect it. I hope to accomplish a very good short story, with lots of suspense, and yet a twist ending that is kind of a happy ending. I want it to be enjoyable to read, so it won’t feel like a drag when reading it.

English Suspense Story

“Hurry up Lucifer!” Mr. Valdis screamed from the campsite. “We haven’t got all night!”
“It’s just a night hike,” Lucifer whispered to himself as he walked out of the camper.
Lucifer and his friends, Arthur and Johannes, were on a camping trip over Halloween as a school trip and Mr. Valdis was a volunteer chaperone. The group was going on a night hike before they shut the lights off for the night.
“Are you guys prepared? What all did you bring?” Asked Mr. Valdis.
“Um… just a flashlight,” Arthur replied.
“Perfect. Let’s go.”
The boys exchanged glances and followed Mr. Valdis into the woods. It was a fairly dark night. Besides the light of a few stars and lightning bugs, Theodore were pitch black. A rough, unpaved trail was blazed through the woods. Lucifer could hear the whistling of the stream running along next to them.
“This, young fellows, is what most people call a ttree.” Mr. Valdis explained to them.
“Wow,” Johannes exclaimed. “I’ve never seen one before!”
“They have these green things called leaves, but in the fall they become red and orange.” Said Mr. Valdis.
“I didn’t know night hikes were this fun,” Johannes whispered to himself.
“Alright guys, this is where we get into the deep part of the forest, the fun part.” Mr. Valdis explained.
All of a sudden the group could see a flickering light in the distance. They thought that it was a fire. Mr. Valdis decided that they would go find it. As they got closer, Lucifer started to hear music playing.
“This is a little weird,” Lucifer exclaimed.
“Don’t worry, it’ll all be fine!” Mr. Valdis responded evilly.
Finally, Mr. Valdis, Lucifer, Johannes, and Arthur reached the fire. They could see figures in front of the fire, doing what it looked like to be dancing. As they looked closer, they realized the figures had costumes on.
“Is that a clown?” Arthur asked nervously.
No one answered because, in fact, in was a clown. But that wasn’t the only clown. There were 5 more clowns dancing,
“What should we do Mr. Valdis?” Lucifer asked. Mr. Valdis didn’t move. He seemed to be in a trance. Lucifer shook him, trying to get his attention and said, “Hello, Mr. Valdis, can you hear me?”
Mr. Valdis slowly turned his head towards Lucifer, and whispered, “Come on children, let us join them.”
“I don’t know if I want to,” Johannes replied.
“I said, LETS JOIN THEM!” He demanded.
The boys obeyed him out of sheer terror and they slowly came out of the forest to the fire. The clowns were lifting someone and passing them around the fire. A clown noticed them and starting walking towards Lucifer. He got closer, and closer, and closer. He hand moved to his pocket. He reached inside and pulled out something. He walked even closer to Lucifer. Lucifer braced himself for the worst. The clown opened his mouth to talk, and placed something in his hand. Before he could speak, Lucifer ran away, screaming. The boys followed him, begging for their parents.
The clown was in disbelief. “I only wanted to give them a raffle ticket!” He told Mr. Valdis,
“Don’t worry, I will get them, they’ll be fine.” Mr. Valdis responded.
“Well, ok then. Welcome to our Clown-o-ween Party!” The clown yelled.